you never know

here we go again.... no no here i go again. on my mental adventure, care to join? I cant guarantee any peanuts or pretzels but grab a cocktail if you would like and lets see where miss memorable j's thoughts lead us tonite.

As i have on my status on myspace "being free spirited..loving art->music,dance,art pieces,etc...loving nature, & everything life has 2 offer. 2no ull b ok no matter what. beautiful."

I think ill elaborate on that because for the past few days i have been thinking a lot *as usual.* I have been thinking about how i could not imagine being closed minded... not that im saying 'not ignorant to learning about new things' i am simply saying that i couldnt imagine not feeling like such a free mental spirit. theres no reason to be angry...

i am on a cruise through life- the sights are beautiful, and any positive human being who is up for the ride is free to join me. but i wanna see what your mindset is all about. i cannot have "relationships" with anyone who i feel i am always skimming the shit off of the top of the pool with. i need substance. depth. emotion. raw truth. pain. happiness. let me into that head of yours-

i often catch myself expressing to those who are close to me that its almost like we are walking this earth with horse blinders on every day... because as hard as it is to explain- the world in our own mind is the only thing we know of, and its so hard to get your mentality out of your head and understand what people see from their eyes.... literally or figuratively. I have a severe issue of wanting people to understand how beautiful i think the world is. how great things can be if you just- let go a little- talk about your feelings, fears, past - whatever it is that you feel molds- or has molded you into the person that you are today... the only true happiness you can ever experience on earth comes from interaction with other human beings because at the end of the day, all of the materialistic bullshit that we engulf ourselves in- the cars, clothes, bags, shoes, accessories, houses- they dont matter. they dont matter at all. how could they? if you dont have love and connections with others- then what do you truly have? nothing.... so for me- understanding someones world/mentality/vision- it is very crucial for me to have what i believe to be a significant type of relationship with anyone.... all the other shit that goes on and the things we talk about is so vague and empty.... im all about experiences that open your mind... and for me it takes simplicity. ill stop here with this because all i will keep trying to do is elaborate on what im saying and it may get redundant... and we dont want that. i think i got my point across... just getting out of our own minds and seeing what is really there thru experiences and talking and understanding.... gets us out of our own mind-created world....

ART. wow art. music. paintings. dance. drawings. jewelry. make up. sewing...

whatever it takes for someone to express their inner feelings without the use of words is so great.

i was talking about music one nite with someone special to me while listening to dave matthews band- i asked them if they played an instrument in a band what would it be? he said guitar. i never thought about an instrument in the way that im about to describe to you until this moment while listening to them- but the connection that someone can have with an instrument- the ability they have to move others just by striking the strings on their guitar in a specific sequence- the way that they can arise the emotions of their listeners.... by non verbally speaking... its just incredible. and they may not even create the same emotion in everyone- because what it is for the player and each listener will all vary because of prior experiences that each person has had in their lives that has created the world in their mind that they live in, which then created the way they perceive things, and no two minds think alike... it makes me want to play guitar... each emotion being spoken by a specific sound on your instrument- thats amazing. :) it sounds so nerdy but i dont look at instruments the same way anymore...

dance is a "wholenothertopic"- haha. shows like so you think you can dance just get me way to emotional- im so happy for the people that make it to the show and i hope that the talented people that didnt make it never give up- that they keep pushing for their dreams whether they are dance related or not...on another note, i love to dance with someone who can "feel" the music on the same emotional level as myself- even if the music were in japanese and neither of us could understand a damn word but we were feeling it the same way- thats a beautiful chemistry you can have with someone for the kind of non verbal mind-opening experience i spoke of up there ^

drawings and paintings speak for themselves- i cannot return to a drawing i have started if i dont finish it in the time frame i gave myself. i have tried several times to return to drawings and finish them but you can always see where i restarted because the lines never look fluid enough to fit with the rest of the work ive previously done. ironically jewelry also. i cant go back to a bracelette i have started and try to finish it. it is almost like i dont understand why i was making it the way that i had began- that emotion was old- and out of the window it went, never to be seen again... even make up- i can never seem to recreate the same exact look twice- theres always something different- unless i look at a photo i had and truly treat my face as a canvas and not my face- i dont know if that makes sense.... if not- oh well- i know what i mean. lol

nature- ever since i read "the tao of health, sex and longevity" and "a new earth" i have a completely different appreciation for certain things in nature- especially trees- i dont know- try this: next time you are outside- look at an older tree nearby- the way it has grown- completely adapted to its environment- the branches seem to know exactly where they need to be so that each one of its leaves can get ample sunlight... the moon amazes me too- more or less because of the distance from the earth to the moon- the fact that we can see it- and the shadow that the earth casts onto the moon from the suns light just seems so cool too- haha i sound so nerdy right now but its the truth... everything that surrounds us has its beauty- its "specialness" if you may.

so at the end of the day what im trying to get at here is that there is no way that anyone could be surrounded by the raw truths of the world and not feel complete freedom and happiness no matter what their situation. someone has always got it worse than you- and they may even be happier than you are.... they have what they need to survive, and for them, thats enough...

there has actually been studies done, also, that suggest that humans who have more connection/deep interaction with others live longer and suffer far less heart attacks-even with terrible diets- than those who do not have good relations and eat healthy... life is so beautiful and this world is full of so many of us who need to tell our stories, feelings, pain to someone... who will you choose today? theres no reason that you should ever go a day without expressing to someone that they are missed, or that you love someone... you may never see them again- and yes that idea gets played out but its the damn truth, you know- what is holding you back from telling anyone how you feel about them? especially if its positive- you might make their day, or open the door for them to be convinced that they need to tell someone they care for how they feel and you just began a whole domino effect of positivity, and how the hell could that ever be a bad thing? its impossible! thats what we all need more of nowadays (love)- the way things seem to be going economically and i hate to even bring that up bc the media just blows everything up so that us americans are frantic, miserable, medicated, and numb to what it all comes down to at the end of the day- theres so much more to life than money. maybe all u need is that call from a loved one to soothe your stressed out soul and remind you that- "it aint so bad afterall and everythings gonna be alright"

so if youre feeling this way, pick up your phone and call someone to tell them you care, or you miss them. play some bob marley while you do this, whatever your musical preferance. grab some instruments and have a one man jam session. dance your ass off. sing your heart out. smile. laugh. go outside and breathe in as deeply as you can. remind yourself that youre alive! keep your tv off for a day- do things that remind you that you are not a robot and thinking about things isnt so bad afterall! life is good.

*note* i never have a clue where im going to go when i start writing and im always pleased- as i didnt fail myself tonite... good nite world- you are all beautiful :)

In a world of role-playing personalities,those few ppl who don't project a mind-made image, but function from the deeper core of their being, those who do not attempt to appear more than they are but are simply themselves, stand out as remarkable and are the only ones who truly make a difference in this world. They are the bringers of the new consciousness. Whatever they do becomes empowered because it is in alignment w the purpose of the whole. Their influence, however, goes far beyond what they do, far beyond their function. Their mere presence-simple, natural, unassuming- has a transformational effect on whoever they come into contact with.

quote I saw: "life is far more beautiful than most give it credit for". I felt that this quote needed some j-elaboration.

I am about to get über-philisophical on you all... ok,so if the human mind creates it's own perception of reality, and no two people perceive the world surrounding them in the same fashion, and if respecting and appreciating yourself first is the first step to loving, appreciating and respecting your surroundings.... then perhaps those who do not give enough credit to the world for it's beauty, then chances are that they are not giving themselves the credit they deserve.... right? They probably have some distorted self identity as well........hmmmmmm

music. an expression of everything.

erykah badu- song- twinkle- fast forward to 4:15. great ending.
listen.
absorb.
i dont have to tell you things arent good. everybody knows things arent good. everybody lknows things arent good. we know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat. young punks are running the streets, noone knows just what to do, and theres no end to it. the dollar buys a pennies-worth. banks are going under. (?) keeping a gun under the counter. we SIT watching our idiot boxes while some local anchorman tells us that today- we have had eighteen murders and eighty violent crimes as if that were the way things were supposed to be. we know times are bad- worse than bad. people are crazy. its like everything everywhere is going utterly mad so we never leave our homes. we sit in our comfy abodes while the world is getting smaller, and we say "come on at least leave us alone in our family rooms. let me have my microwave, and flat screen and my 20 inch wheels and i wont say anything, just leave us alone!" wel;l im not gonna leave you alone, i want you to get ANGRY! i dont want you to ride, i dont want you to protest, i dont want you to write your senator because i dont know what to tell you to tell him. I dont know what to do about the recession and the inflation and crime in the street, all i know is that you have got to get mad. i want you to say "IM A HUMAN BEING DAMNIT!! MY LIFE HAS VALUE!"
shes seems to hit the lyrical nail on the head- every time.

aquarius. me to a t.

July 30, 2008 - Wednesday
me to a T.. aquarius.
You were fortunate enough to be born under the humanitarian zodiac sign of Aquarius. You are therefore ruled by electric and progressive Uranus making you forward thinking and self-directed. You’re a born revolutionary so no one can tell you how to live your life. Your clear-cut approach makes it perfectly clear just how differently you wish to experience life. You just don’t want to be like others and take pride in the fact that you’re so unique. Even if you’re occasionally criticised for your cheeky attitude, you’d far prefer to be self-sufficient rather than being a sheep in society who follows everyone else’s lead. You are a zesty individual, having tremendous amounts of energy. You are determined and forceful in how you deal with people. You want to express your ground-breaking spirit in everything you do but unfortunately you won’t always able to break free of the limits that are imposed upon you. Some Aquarians learn through their family life that before you can be the master of your own destiny, you have to serve. In some extreme cases Aquarians are controlled and dominated by others throughout the formative period of their lives which is why it’s so difficult for them to submit to others. If you’re not able to live your life on your own terms, you’ll dream and aspire to a future time when you can fulfil your destiny to the fullest in exactly the way you want. You have very inspirational views of the world and even if your opinions are too different, you’ll always be respected for speaking your mind honestly. You share your zodiac sign with many other grand personalities. Like them you are attracted to social issues. You like to be involved in groups and organisations that make a difference in society. Even in the smallest of ways, you will try to make some difference in this world. If you look at Aquarians like Oprah Winfrey, Boris Yeltsin and entertainers like Peter Gabriel and John Travolta, they are deeply interested in changing the awareness of people to make the world a better place. Because you have great organisational and communication skills you work really well with others. You have your own ideas and solutions to problems. Others are surprised at your quirky approach and how you resolve these issues. You’re investigative, curious and extremely active mentally. Your thinking mind rarely, if ever, stops. You need to learn when to shut down as your brain can become overactive, especially at night. Communication is your speciality and you relate well to the world. You will continue to enlarge your active personality so don’t try to suppress your true character – just express it prudently. You’re vigorous in the way you present your ideas so there’s never a dull moment around you. There’s often someone who wants to challenge you, especially if they happen to have a much more conventional way of doing things. You’ll be more than happy to challenge that taking great pleasure in proving them wrong. Uranus, your planetary ruler, is abrupt and breathtaking by nature and will fill your life with plenty of unanticipated surprises - good and not so good. You like it like this and the unexpected is something you thrive upon! Even if you have a stable home or work situation you like to shake things up from time to time to keep everyone on their toes. Still, you’re very loyal when it comes to your most personal relationships. You like to create a comfortable environment in which to live. Venus influences your domestic sphere so you have a flair for design and colour. Your surroundings mirror your unique character. Others are amazed at the way you decorate your home. There’ll be nothing ordinary about it, that’s for sure. Your far-reaching attitudes overwhelm your friends sometimes and they sometimes refer to you as harmlessly “mad”. Salvador Dali the famous painter once remarked about himself - "The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad!" Even if he wasn't an Aquarius - this sums you up perfectly. You embrace anything technological as Aquarius governs modern appliances. You are inventive and research orientated and certainly aren't a technophobe. If you’re an Aquarian male, some may even call you the “gadget man”. You like to be up to date with the latest and greatest handheld devices, computers and other audio or visual entertainment equipment. You find it difficult to uphold relationships with those who aren’t prepared to evolve in the same way as yourself. Due to this you’ll be continually re-inventing yourself, trying to stimulate your friends to be better. Your rigid opinions bring you into disagreement with others. One of the laws of power suggests that you must act like others, but don’t always openly air your thoughts. It’s a good idea for you to keep some of their sweeping ideals tucked away until you test the water first.There’s a universal quality about you. Although you appear aloof and detached you're inwardly sensitive and caring. You prefer to associate with people who share the same diverse views on life. Your life will almost certainly never be drab. You are able to embrace anything new including music and fashion. This is why you’ll always be young at heart

life again.

unfinished... Current mood: amused
ive half ended this- and re-read it and the worst part is- that what i was aiming to write about- i dont know where my mind went- so off..... ah man no good,

I wish I could just close my eyes and type everything that I think in an orderly manner without really knowing what I was tying at all- kind of allow my mind to do the typing. A lot of things I write, I almost don't want to write in fear of someone reading whats really on my mind. I guess part of being Jessie is always having people trying to figure Jessie out- so if I lay it out on the table so easily, then whats left of me?
I never like to use punctuation really- im a big fan of the dashes- and multiple dots…. Because I feel like each of them give more of an announced pause, to allow the reader to understand that I want them to pause, think about what they just took in, and absorb it.
I have traveled often and one of my biggest mistakes in the past two years of my life is not bringing a journal along with me to talk about each of the characters I have met- I could truly write an incredible book….. With the help of a good writer, of course.
Just thinking back to last November when I was on the auto train to florida with all of my belongings stuffed into my car, ready to change my life, I met a ex-politician and his wife. I cant account for their names, but they turned out to be great conversation at dinner when I was sat alone, so they sat with me. We all ate together and talked like we were family friends. They were both taking the train to visit their son, who lives in Orlando. The three of us enjoyed each others company so much, we sat an extra hour to talk after dinner. They told me about their son and how much he loved hockey, meeting the president, travels they had experienced in the past… We were later removed because the waitresses wanted to go to bed and it was almost eleven. The couple gave their farewells and I went to sleep satisfied by such a good conversation.
I believe that one of the biggest joys in life has to be those types of conversations. You meet strangers and exchange information and talk about life and learn life lessons from them too… such a satisfying feeling follows.
On my most recent flight home from visiting friends and family in Philadelphia, I met a woman named Sophie. A Russian woman, a mother, a grandmother, a story teller, a friend to many, and one of the most gratifying people I have ever met in my short lifespan.
Sophie moved to the U.S. in 1975 and taught music at a school in Detroit. She was very poor, but that didn't stop her or slow her down, she was, after all, pursuing the American dream. She bought bread from the bakery that had been a day old…. The woman at the bakery grew so fond of Sophie that she began giving her 2 loaves for the price of one. You would too, if you met this woman. After a short time in America, one of Sophies friends asked her to sign a document stating that she purchased a home (and explained the whole concept of using credit in america and not paying cash for things), because according to this friend, the man who was living there was supposed to be very poor and unable to afford a home like this. A few years later, Sophie would then sign the documents saying that she sold the home.
This kind woman did not know the person who was living in the home that she technically owned, but he wanted to meet her to tell her how thankful he was for her kindness. He turned out to be an Italian man who was making a living in america by importing gold and selling it to stores and such. Sophie was asked by this man to open a store to sell $100,000 worth of jewelry that he would give to her to make a profit- she turned his offer down claiming that she couldn't sell anything, she had never sold a thing in her life.
So the two of them remained friends and two years after his proposal, he came to sophie at her job pointing out that her job was not right for her. She was working extremely long hours and he insisted that she buy his jewelry off of him at $10.00 a piece. She gave in to his offer and bought the jewelry and sold the pieces that day at $10.50 a piece because she was not aware that they were worth twenty to thirty in the stores. The items sold in a half hour. Sophie was very pleased to find that she made more money in that half hour than she made in two hours at work, so she continued to do business with this man and sold jewelry in neighborhoods. She eventually moved up to selling in a high-end salon in Detroit. By this time she was making better profits because she had realized the prices were much higher in jewelry stores. Eventually, she moved up to dealing with a Belgian man, she flew to Belgium with a fanny pack full of money and bought diamonds to bring back to the us with her.
Skip ahead a few years, Sophie decided to move to Sarasota florida, where she purchased a condo on the beach at $95,000. One or two years later the condo below hers was selling at $200,000. Realizing the profits to be made, she bought the condo as well. She sold it 2 years later, quadrupling her money at $800,000.
I could really keep going and tell the rest of her story but my wrist really hurts. This woman never went to the doctor- she insisted that in order to be healthy, you have to eat healthy, stay happy, surround yourself with loved ones, never stress, don't become a doormat and allow others to walk all over you. Speak your mind and be respected. She didn't believe in medicine- she'd take a warm bath to lower stress. Homemade chicken noodle soup for illness. This woman had her wit, she was a beautiful person and the thing that shocked me the most when she told me was that she is eighty two years old.

travel. love. the world.

September 24, 2007 - Monday
make a change! in your own life :-) Current mood: creative
lol i wind up on euro myspace sites once in a blue-
i then have to remind myself that theres a whole world out there with endless things to do and see. people to meet and places to visit and everything like that- so just a reminder to everyone- whereever it is that you are right now- if you arent happy- there are a million new places you could go and make a change- not that running from problems is the way to do things, im not saying that at all- simply,if youre not happy or youre bored with life- then move to a new place and there is a whole new life waiting for you! i think i could live in spain or england or france, along the beach or in a big city, id be scared, but i think that it could be so fulfilling... the change. the new life to a new jessie...
dont get stuck in a rut... routines are meant to be broken... change is bound to happen whether you volunteer to change or not, your life can change in a flash- and never be the same, so if youre stuck , then do something about it... dont get caught in your moment.....
ya get what im saying????
jessie
spontanaety (is that how i spell it?) is fabulous- more people should exercise it more often....

america. myspace 2007

October 8, 2007 - Monday
americas going down the shitter Current mood: angry Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
What job do you choose to ensure that you will have a good, comfortable and "successful" lifestyle?
A lot of people want to choose the easy route- like sports, acting, or drugs… (there are more money makers out there but these 3 came to mind the fastest) There are a gagillion homeless people in america, and some of these people have children who are homeless…. ->I don't get why sports players are so rich and there are so many people in this country who tried harder than sports players ever will to make a living. A football player will never understand struggle like a poor person (they breeze thru schooling and are used to boost a schools rep, but how would these sports players make it in the real world???)… why cant stadiums take money from tickets to donate to help homelessness?????
->I am not saying that its ok to be homeless bc I don't get how so many immigrants/illegal aliens can come into this country and live with several people in a single home and afford it, and still have money to send to families in their homelands.
Codi said that if americans were to live with more than one family in a home, then it would crush the american dream. Well some people need to get over that, work at a gas station if that means you can afford to have a life, do you know how many "now hiring" signs I see everywhere. People say that background checks are tough and that makes it harder to get a job at a gas station or McDonalds…. Times are tough and I think america is going down the shitter….
I know that it will never happen but I think that couples should take classes and tests to be sure that they are ready and capable both financially and emotionally to raise children. People on welfare shouldn't be able to have more children until they can afford it…. Adoption should be easier, especially for families who cannot have children alone. it's a vicious cycle. Every living thing in the world is made to consume, excrete and reproduce more of its kind. So why cant government regulation who can reproduce? You can barely afford to feed yourself, but surrrrre, go ahead, have a kid and fight to feed the poor helpless baby, or better yet- have a kid and put the responsibility on other people to take care of your child. People run from their lives all of the time, sometimes they even run from their families. Men do it to families all the time. Women do it too. The kids are stuck and Americans are busy spending money to other countries whether voluntary or not. We are so concerned with animal abuse and the environment and poverty in other continents… what about healthcare, homelessness, and poverty right here in the U.S.????
Celebrities, sports players, doctors….
As young adults, we need to reach for the stars…. You get stuck in the slums, youre never getting out… you have to go against all odds and I think that we need to be more thoughtful if we are extremely successful… what can someone do with a million dollars a year??? 4 cars? 6 bathrooms in one home? I don't know- I feel good to help others out…
If youre middle class in your future, just be happy youre not poor… youre always gonna want more- and if you got it, youd still want more…. If youre poor or jobless, kick yourself in the ass, face reality and realize that you might have to work that shitty job that nobody else wants….
- I can never finish my thoughts so Ill stop here….

angry ppl!

July 6, 2008 - Sunday
an exercise 4 u pissed off ppl to try
Try starting a new habit of stopping yourself in a moment when you normally would have gotten angry without thinking-use that moment and turn it into love and patience and compassion- it will have an emensly positive effect on everything around you. Everyone has a story and everyone has a point of view. You don't have to agree with them or admit they are right and you are wrong, because what u do is right for you and same goes for them. Just try to express your reasons for your actions and encourage them to express theirs, come to a better understanding and perhaps allow yourself to even learn from that persons reasons and actions... There are no true monsters in life, we are all here together and in this together. You can take someone whom you believe to be an enemy and even do extraordinary things with that person if you open your eyes and mind. Just listen. Positivity can help you so much more than negativity and anger.

moving to a new place

July 17, 2008 - Thursday
moving to a new place....

you know it will be exciting, all the new adventures you will have ahead... the new faces you will make friends with, the new places you will get to explore... your life is about to take a big change and youre amped. Everyone informs you of all the hot spots to go to, where to get a good bite to eat.... parks to see, amusement parks, etc...
But nobody ever warns you of how lonely it may be.... especially if your family is nowhere nearby... now you have to adapt your once love-filled life to a new lonlier one...
I never thought this would happen to me. I am so lonely here. i have more than enough friends and acquaintences... but not enough loving/emotional support.
I made the mistake of getting to know someone wayyyy to quickly... now i regret how much i still depend on just that one person for emotional support when expecting something like that is only adding more stress to our relationship (not in a relationship "hes mine and im his" sort of way)... things are different then they were before and i am having an extremely hard time dealing with this because he was one person i trusted and depended on for a lot of things.... which i am now beginning to realize was a mistake.... see, i wonder as to whether i will ever have a good relationship here in flordia as long as my family is so far away? I truly dont think i will acheive that because i will always depend on that one person for so much emotional support and that is not good at all....
my eyes hurt
its late
finish later
j

inspiring

short one before work.
wow today- what a good feeling. i am sooooo happy- i am just reflecting on my year- listening to leona lewis and singing while i get ready for work and i am just so blessed- the people i have allowed in my bubble in the past year are truly amazing.
i am surrounded by great positivity and all that seems to do for me is breed more positivity! i knew back on new years day at the mummers parade w carlos, jordan, and amanda that 2008 would be a special year. Great nights of conversation with amazing friends of all ages over dinner have left me with fabulous aspirations for my future. I want everyone to know how much i appreciate you all----- i cant wait to see what the next few months have in store for me. i have been nothing but an exploding bundle of ideas- and now that xtina rivera and i have been on an "excuse diet" i have no reason to do anything other than take the next step and take these new endevors on.
THIS HAS BEEN SUCH A BEAUTIFUL MONTH GUYS. AH MAN- ONE NEVER TO BE FORGOTTEN. DUNNO WHY ;) I HAVE JUST SPENT TIME WITH THE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE - THINKING ABOUT IT, I COULD JUST POP.
i have nothing but happiness in my heart for those of you who are close to me (especially my mother) for bettering their lives and getting out of the "fog" :) the only way to go is up! i want nothing more for the ppl i love than to see them happy-
ah i just feel so good today and i really think that the great convo i had with krystal last nite just lifted my spirits even more ( love u girlie)-
now lets get this trip to PR planned people! muahzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!

and for all u unhappy ppl out there- open ur eyes!

about life.

not sure whos photograph this is.... i love it tho. sometimes we feel like this dont we?

November 11, 2008 - Tuesday

strange

Current mood: bummed

i just went thru all my comments from the beginning of myspace and it brought back so much emotion about my life and im feeling so intense right now in my mind and my chest i cant quite explain my feelings of just wanting to do everything from run a few miles to locking myself in my room for the next few days...... i feel like.... i dont know how else to say it besides- a blob. lol i dont wanna get too into it because its too deep and im not in the mood to try and dig- dont wanna get upset- i wanna delete everything. the memories... start fresh- dont know if im ashamed of what i have / havent done in the past 2 years (being that my anniversary of tampa arrival is quickly approaching at the day before thanksgiving) but really what have i been doing? a lot of self growth- i have been foolish- let some get the best of me and my heart- but when i look back i feel like i have floated thru the past two years- wow. i have a lot of thinking to do- do i feel grounded at this moment? no- i dont- i always feel so so sure of myself any other day but going thru my past like that- wow just thru all that out the window-
i can look at pictures and smile or laugh and remember how fun things were, but to read someones comments that refer to what i have been up to over the past few years- i just feel, argggggggggg. i guess like an idiot- i have filtered some good ppl out of my life and i think i was foolish in doing so but the past cant always be undone so thats that.... i got caught up in some of the wrong ppl- and let time lag on some dumb subjects----> empty love- not that i was in love- but the hope for it happening somewhere down here- only to be feeling empty and loveless in the end and having to build up from that time lost and self worth lost in the mean time----- hence my soul searching for the past year- so i thank you for that sir. i know a lot more about myself and happiness than i ever have and i think i owe the majority of that to you for being so cold sometimes and leaving me to be with my mind and nothing more- being that all of my family is still in PA. so that helped i guess-
eh im stopping here bc i am babbling and my eyes hurt because i am so tired and this just really stressed me out a lot- what the fuck.

so i have turned myself into a cold, selfish, unavailable bitch to some, while being the most caring, happy, positive, loving person that others can meet.... i guess i need to do some more self analyzation than i thought i did- --- and locking myself away for a day or 2 or more sounds fantastic to do just that :)

<3j

what i want. from myspace blog also

what i want Current mood: calm Category: Life

In a relationship....

The movie "bella" just started so I jotted some stuff down before I could finish but... Is it wrong for me to want to be romanced? Everything is so sexual nowadays, so ingenuine. I want to meet someone and feel that spark, take things slow. Kiss when the moment is perfect and feel it in my toes. Have that neverending excitement that I experienced before but stronger now because I have such a stronger sense of who I am now. I want someone to be by my side who desires being my best friend, and not just wanting to wake up to my pretty face every day. I want the kind of compliments about my personality before he ever mentions that he likes what he sees on the outside. I want to be attracted to him at the beginning and have his personality attract me so much more that I feel I have never laid my eyes on anyone more beautiful. It seems everyone is so caught up in cheap thrills... So impatient, cheap thrills are not good all around. They will empty your pockets,make you fat, put you in jail, they can even break your heart.... Patience is a virtue, they say, why don't people take these little sayings to heart more often? We all know they're true, but we don't listen... ill finish editing later

post from my myspace about master cleanse.

my experience with the master cleanse :)
well this is my 3rd try on the master cleanse but my second successful one.... i tried back after thanksgiving to get rid of my sinus infection but my heart wasnt in it so i only lasted 4 days- but my hearing came back for a few days. lol
For those of you that dont know what the master cleanse is, im not going to get into extreme detail bc its extensive but heres a website... http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vdGhlbWFzdGVyY2xlYW5zZS5vcmcv that will somewhat explain whats going on.
most uniformed people will assume youre crazy if you tell them youre doing the cleanse... they say things like "i would die..." and "Ten days without food! that cant be good."
but to be honest with you, if youre strong enough mentally to go thru with it, and youre doing it for the right reasons, you will never feel better in youre life- never cleaner, clear minded, spiritual.... its an amazing experience that makes you realize why we as humans all eat food in the first place... to live... but from time to time we get into routines of eating disgusting overprocessed and unhealthy all together...
as my roomie said today (shes also done the cleanse 2x) "theres no perfect time to do the cleanse, theres always gonna be some party, some dinner... drinks etc" and thats so true. there is no perfect time. but what is ten days out of your life when you have lived somewhere in the area of 8,000 days already! so. last week i decided that after easter i am going to spring clean my life- starting with cleansing. clean from the inside out. focus on myself in the long run. not be so concerned for others, who dont care about things that i care about for themselves, so why am i caring so much? i am compromising myself in the long run... missing out on important me time. Me time is so important, afterall- the relationships we have with ourselves are and should be the most intimate relationship we have with anyone!
after the cleanse i am going to take up wheatgrass shots for the rest of my life and that will begin by buying a wheatgrass extractor.... yay.
today like i said is day 4 for me and the second time around is so easy. i have no severe temptations to quit or to even cheat. today my energy is a little lower than i would prefer... soooo ill prob take another nap and see whats going on when i wake up- went dancing last nite so i prob gotta drink some extra lemonade today so i can make it through work today til 4am....
day 2 for me was a severe headache all day.... but other than that- everythings going soooo smoothly!
j.