Wednesday, April 29, 2009

music. an expression of everything.

erykah badu- song- twinkle- fast forward to 4:15. great ending.
i dont have to tell you things arent good. everybody knows things arent good. everybody lknows things arent good. we know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat. young punks are running the streets, noone knows just what to do, and theres no end to it. the dollar buys a pennies-worth. banks are going under. (?) keeping a gun under the counter. we SIT watching our idiot boxes while some local anchorman tells us that today- we have had eighteen murders and eighty violent crimes as if that were the way things were supposed to be. we know times are bad- worse than bad. people are crazy. its like everything everywhere is going utterly mad so we never leave our homes. we sit in our comfy abodes while the world is getting smaller, and we say "come on at least leave us alone in our family rooms. let me have my microwave, and flat screen and my 20 inch wheels and i wont say anything, just leave us alone!" wel;l im not gonna leave you alone, i want you to get ANGRY! i dont want you to ride, i dont want you to protest, i dont want you to write your senator because i dont know what to tell you to tell him. I dont know what to do about the recession and the inflation and crime in the street, all i know is that you have got to get mad. i want you to say "IM A HUMAN BEING DAMNIT!! MY LIFE HAS VALUE!"

shes seems to hit the lyrical nail on the head- every time.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

aquarius. me to a t.

July 30, 2008 - Wednesday
me to a T.. aquarius.
You were fortunate enough to be born under the humanitarian zodiac sign of Aquarius. You are therefore ruled by electric and progressive Uranus making you forward thinking and self-directed. You’re a born revolutionary so no one can tell you how to live your life. Your clear-cut approach makes it perfectly clear just how differently you wish to experience life. You just don’t want to be like others and take pride in the fact that you’re so unique. Even if you’re occasionally criticised for your cheeky attitude, you’d far prefer to be self-sufficient rather than being a sheep in society who follows everyone else’s lead. You are a zesty individual, having tremendous amounts of energy. You are determined and forceful in how you deal with people. You want to express your ground-breaking spirit in everything you do but unfortunately you won’t always able to break free of the limits that are imposed upon you. Some Aquarians learn through their family life that before you can be the master of your own destiny, you have to serve. In some extreme cases Aquarians are controlled and dominated by others throughout the formative period of their lives which is why it’s so difficult for them to submit to others. If you’re not able to live your life on your own terms, you’ll dream and aspire to a future time when you can fulfil your destiny to the fullest in exactly the way you want. You have very inspirational views of the world and even if your opinions are too different, you’ll always be respected for speaking your mind honestly. You share your zodiac sign with many other grand personalities. Like them you are attracted to social issues. You like to be involved in groups and organisations that make a difference in society. Even in the smallest of ways, you will try to make some difference in this world. If you look at Aquarians like Oprah Winfrey, Boris Yeltsin and entertainers like Peter Gabriel and John Travolta, they are deeply interested in changing the awareness of people to make the world a better place. Because you have great organisational and communication skills you work really well with others. You have your own ideas and solutions to problems. Others are surprised at your quirky approach and how you resolve these issues. You’re investigative, curious and extremely active mentally. Your thinking mind rarely, if ever, stops. You need to learn when to shut down as your brain can become overactive, especially at night. Communication is your speciality and you relate well to the world. You will continue to enlarge your active personality so don’t try to suppress your true character – just express it prudently. You’re vigorous in the way you present your ideas so there’s never a dull moment around you. There’s often someone who wants to challenge you, especially if they happen to have a much more conventional way of doing things. You’ll be more than happy to challenge that taking great pleasure in proving them wrong. Uranus, your planetary ruler, is abrupt and breathtaking by nature and will fill your life with plenty of unanticipated surprises - good and not so good. You like it like this and the unexpected is something you thrive upon! Even if you have a stable home or work situation you like to shake things up from time to time to keep everyone on their toes. Still, you’re very loyal when it comes to your most personal relationships. You like to create a comfortable environment in which to live. Venus influences your domestic sphere so you have a flair for design and colour. Your surroundings mirror your unique character. Others are amazed at the way you decorate your home. There’ll be nothing ordinary about it, that’s for sure. Your far-reaching attitudes overwhelm your friends sometimes and they sometimes refer to you as harmlessly “mad”. Salvador Dali the famous painter once remarked about himself - "The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad!" Even if he wasn't an Aquarius - this sums you up perfectly. You embrace anything technological as Aquarius governs modern appliances. You are inventive and research orientated and certainly aren't a technophobe. If you’re an Aquarian male, some may even call you the “gadget man”. You like to be up to date with the latest and greatest handheld devices, computers and other audio or visual entertainment equipment. You find it difficult to uphold relationships with those who aren’t prepared to evolve in the same way as yourself. Due to this you’ll be continually re-inventing yourself, trying to stimulate your friends to be better. Your rigid opinions bring you into disagreement with others. One of the laws of power suggests that you must act like others, but don’t always openly air your thoughts. It’s a good idea for you to keep some of their sweeping ideals tucked away until you test the water first.There’s a universal quality about you. Although you appear aloof and detached you're inwardly sensitive and caring. You prefer to associate with people who share the same diverse views on life. Your life will almost certainly never be drab. You are able to embrace anything new including music and fashion. This is why you’ll always be young at heart

life again.

unfinished... Current mood: amused
ive half ended this- and re-read it and the worst part is- that what i was aiming to write about- i dont know where my mind went- so off..... ah man no good,

I wish I could just close my eyes and type everything that I think in an orderly manner without really knowing what I was tying at all- kind of allow my mind to do the typing. A lot of things I write, I almost don't want to write in fear of someone reading whats really on my mind. I guess part of being Jessie is always having people trying to figure Jessie out- so if I lay it out on the table so easily, then whats left of me?
I never like to use punctuation really- im a big fan of the dashes- and multiple dots…. Because I feel like each of them give more of an announced pause, to allow the reader to understand that I want them to pause, think about what they just took in, and absorb it.
I have traveled often and one of my biggest mistakes in the past two years of my life is not bringing a journal along with me to talk about each of the characters I have met- I could truly write an incredible book….. With the help of a good writer, of course.
Just thinking back to last November when I was on the auto train to florida with all of my belongings stuffed into my car, ready to change my life, I met a ex-politician and his wife. I cant account for their names, but they turned out to be great conversation at dinner when I was sat alone, so they sat with me. We all ate together and talked like we were family friends. They were both taking the train to visit their son, who lives in Orlando. The three of us enjoyed each others company so much, we sat an extra hour to talk after dinner. They told me about their son and how much he loved hockey, meeting the president, travels they had experienced in the past… We were later removed because the waitresses wanted to go to bed and it was almost eleven. The couple gave their farewells and I went to sleep satisfied by such a good conversation.
I believe that one of the biggest joys in life has to be those types of conversations. You meet strangers and exchange information and talk about life and learn life lessons from them too… such a satisfying feeling follows.
On my most recent flight home from visiting friends and family in Philadelphia, I met a woman named Sophie. A Russian woman, a mother, a grandmother, a story teller, a friend to many, and one of the most gratifying people I have ever met in my short lifespan.
Sophie moved to the U.S. in 1975 and taught music at a school in Detroit. She was very poor, but that didn't stop her or slow her down, she was, after all, pursuing the American dream. She bought bread from the bakery that had been a day old…. The woman at the bakery grew so fond of Sophie that she began giving her 2 loaves for the price of one. You would too, if you met this woman. After a short time in America, one of Sophies friends asked her to sign a document stating that she purchased a home (and explained the whole concept of using credit in america and not paying cash for things), because according to this friend, the man who was living there was supposed to be very poor and unable to afford a home like this. A few years later, Sophie would then sign the documents saying that she sold the home.
This kind woman did not know the person who was living in the home that she technically owned, but he wanted to meet her to tell her how thankful he was for her kindness. He turned out to be an Italian man who was making a living in america by importing gold and selling it to stores and such. Sophie was asked by this man to open a store to sell $100,000 worth of jewelry that he would give to her to make a profit- she turned his offer down claiming that she couldn't sell anything, she had never sold a thing in her life.
So the two of them remained friends and two years after his proposal, he came to sophie at her job pointing out that her job was not right for her. She was working extremely long hours and he insisted that she buy his jewelry off of him at $10.00 a piece. She gave in to his offer and bought the jewelry and sold the pieces that day at $10.50 a piece because she was not aware that they were worth twenty to thirty in the stores. The items sold in a half hour. Sophie was very pleased to find that she made more money in that half hour than she made in two hours at work, so she continued to do business with this man and sold jewelry in neighborhoods. She eventually moved up to selling in a high-end salon in Detroit. By this time she was making better profits because she had realized the prices were much higher in jewelry stores. Eventually, she moved up to dealing with a Belgian man, she flew to Belgium with a fanny pack full of money and bought diamonds to bring back to the us with her.
Skip ahead a few years, Sophie decided to move to Sarasota florida, where she purchased a condo on the beach at $95,000. One or two years later the condo below hers was selling at $200,000. Realizing the profits to be made, she bought the condo as well. She sold it 2 years later, quadrupling her money at $800,000.
I could really keep going and tell the rest of her story but my wrist really hurts. This woman never went to the doctor- she insisted that in order to be healthy, you have to eat healthy, stay happy, surround yourself with loved ones, never stress, don't become a doormat and allow others to walk all over you. Speak your mind and be respected. She didn't believe in medicine- she'd take a warm bath to lower stress. Homemade chicken noodle soup for illness. This woman had her wit, she was a beautiful person and the thing that shocked me the most when she told me was that she is eighty two years old.

travel. love. the world.

September 24, 2007 - Monday
make a change! in your own life :-) Current mood: creative
lol i wind up on euro myspace sites once in a blue-
i then have to remind myself that theres a whole world out there with endless things to do and see. people to meet and places to visit and everything like that- so just a reminder to everyone- whereever it is that you are right now- if you arent happy- there are a million new places you could go and make a change- not that running from problems is the way to do things, im not saying that at all- simply,if youre not happy or youre bored with life- then move to a new place and there is a whole new life waiting for you! i think i could live in spain or england or france, along the beach or in a big city, id be scared, but i think that it could be so fulfilling... the change. the new life to a new jessie...
dont get stuck in a rut... routines are meant to be broken... change is bound to happen whether you volunteer to change or not, your life can change in a flash- and never be the same, so if youre stuck , then do something about it... dont get caught in your moment.....
ya get what im saying????
spontanaety (is that how i spell it?) is fabulous- more people should exercise it more often....

america. myspace 2007

October 8, 2007 - Monday
americas going down the shitter Current mood: angry Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
What job do you choose to ensure that you will have a good, comfortable and "successful" lifestyle?
A lot of people want to choose the easy route- like sports, acting, or drugs… (there are more money makers out there but these 3 came to mind the fastest) There are a gagillion homeless people in america, and some of these people have children who are homeless…. ->I don't get why sports players are so rich and there are so many people in this country who tried harder than sports players ever will to make a living. A football player will never understand struggle like a poor person (they breeze thru schooling and are used to boost a schools rep, but how would these sports players make it in the real world???)… why cant stadiums take money from tickets to donate to help homelessness?????
->I am not saying that its ok to be homeless bc I don't get how so many immigrants/illegal aliens can come into this country and live with several people in a single home and afford it, and still have money to send to families in their homelands.
Codi said that if americans were to live with more than one family in a home, then it would crush the american dream. Well some people need to get over that, work at a gas station if that means you can afford to have a life, do you know how many "now hiring" signs I see everywhere. People say that background checks are tough and that makes it harder to get a job at a gas station or McDonalds…. Times are tough and I think america is going down the shitter….
I know that it will never happen but I think that couples should take classes and tests to be sure that they are ready and capable both financially and emotionally to raise children. People on welfare shouldn't be able to have more children until they can afford it…. Adoption should be easier, especially for families who cannot have children alone. it's a vicious cycle. Every living thing in the world is made to consume, excrete and reproduce more of its kind. So why cant government regulation who can reproduce? You can barely afford to feed yourself, but surrrrre, go ahead, have a kid and fight to feed the poor helpless baby, or better yet- have a kid and put the responsibility on other people to take care of your child. People run from their lives all of the time, sometimes they even run from their families. Men do it to families all the time. Women do it too. The kids are stuck and Americans are busy spending money to other countries whether voluntary or not. We are so concerned with animal abuse and the environment and poverty in other continents… what about healthcare, homelessness, and poverty right here in the U.S.????
Celebrities, sports players, doctors….
As young adults, we need to reach for the stars…. You get stuck in the slums, youre never getting out… you have to go against all odds and I think that we need to be more thoughtful if we are extremely successful… what can someone do with a million dollars a year??? 4 cars? 6 bathrooms in one home? I don't know- I feel good to help others out…
If youre middle class in your future, just be happy youre not poor… youre always gonna want more- and if you got it, youd still want more…. If youre poor or jobless, kick yourself in the ass, face reality and realize that you might have to work that shitty job that nobody else wants….
- I can never finish my thoughts so Ill stop here….

angry ppl!

July 6, 2008 - Sunday
an exercise 4 u pissed off ppl to try
Try starting a new habit of stopping yourself in a moment when you normally would have gotten angry without thinking-use that moment and turn it into love and patience and compassion- it will have an emensly positive effect on everything around you. Everyone has a story and everyone has a point of view. You don't have to agree with them or admit they are right and you are wrong, because what u do is right for you and same goes for them. Just try to express your reasons for your actions and encourage them to express theirs, come to a better understanding and perhaps allow yourself to even learn from that persons reasons and actions... There are no true monsters in life, we are all here together and in this together. You can take someone whom you believe to be an enemy and even do extraordinary things with that person if you open your eyes and mind. Just listen. Positivity can help you so much more than negativity and anger.

moving to a new place

July 17, 2008 - Thursday
moving to a new place....

you know it will be exciting, all the new adventures you will have ahead... the new faces you will make friends with, the new places you will get to explore... your life is about to take a big change and youre amped. Everyone informs you of all the hot spots to go to, where to get a good bite to eat.... parks to see, amusement parks, etc...
But nobody ever warns you of how lonely it may be.... especially if your family is nowhere nearby... now you have to adapt your once love-filled life to a new lonlier one...
I never thought this would happen to me. I am so lonely here. i have more than enough friends and acquaintences... but not enough loving/emotional support.
I made the mistake of getting to know someone wayyyy to quickly... now i regret how much i still depend on just that one person for emotional support when expecting something like that is only adding more stress to our relationship (not in a relationship "hes mine and im his" sort of way)... things are different then they were before and i am having an extremely hard time dealing with this because he was one person i trusted and depended on for a lot of things.... which i am now beginning to realize was a mistake.... see, i wonder as to whether i will ever have a good relationship here in flordia as long as my family is so far away? I truly dont think i will acheive that because i will always depend on that one person for so much emotional support and that is not good at all....
my eyes hurt
its late
finish later


short one before work.
wow today- what a good feeling. i am sooooo happy- i am just reflecting on my year- listening to leona lewis and singing while i get ready for work and i am just so blessed- the people i have allowed in my bubble in the past year are truly amazing.
i am surrounded by great positivity and all that seems to do for me is breed more positivity! i knew back on new years day at the mummers parade w carlos, jordan, and amanda that 2008 would be a special year. Great nights of conversation with amazing friends of all ages over dinner have left me with fabulous aspirations for my future. I want everyone to know how much i appreciate you all----- i cant wait to see what the next few months have in store for me. i have been nothing but an exploding bundle of ideas- and now that xtina rivera and i have been on an "excuse diet" i have no reason to do anything other than take the next step and take these new endevors on.
i have nothing but happiness in my heart for those of you who are close to me (especially my mother) for bettering their lives and getting out of the "fog" :) the only way to go is up! i want nothing more for the ppl i love than to see them happy-
ah i just feel so good today and i really think that the great convo i had with krystal last nite just lifted my spirits even more ( love u girlie)-
now lets get this trip to PR planned people! muahzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!

and for all u unhappy ppl out there- open ur eyes!

about life.

not sure whos photograph this is.... i love it tho. sometimes we feel like this dont we?

November 11, 2008 - Tuesday


Current mood: bummed

i just went thru all my comments from the beginning of myspace and it brought back so much emotion about my life and im feeling so intense right now in my mind and my chest i cant quite explain my feelings of just wanting to do everything from run a few miles to locking myself in my room for the next few days...... i feel like.... i dont know how else to say it besides- a blob. lol i dont wanna get too into it because its too deep and im not in the mood to try and dig- dont wanna get upset- i wanna delete everything. the memories... start fresh- dont know if im ashamed of what i have / havent done in the past 2 years (being that my anniversary of tampa arrival is quickly approaching at the day before thanksgiving) but really what have i been doing? a lot of self growth- i have been foolish- let some get the best of me and my heart- but when i look back i feel like i have floated thru the past two years- wow. i have a lot of thinking to do- do i feel grounded at this moment? no- i dont- i always feel so so sure of myself any other day but going thru my past like that- wow just thru all that out the window-
i can look at pictures and smile or laugh and remember how fun things were, but to read someones comments that refer to what i have been up to over the past few years- i just feel, argggggggggg. i guess like an idiot- i have filtered some good ppl out of my life and i think i was foolish in doing so but the past cant always be undone so thats that.... i got caught up in some of the wrong ppl- and let time lag on some dumb subjects----> empty love- not that i was in love- but the hope for it happening somewhere down here- only to be feeling empty and loveless in the end and having to build up from that time lost and self worth lost in the mean time----- hence my soul searching for the past year- so i thank you for that sir. i know a lot more about myself and happiness than i ever have and i think i owe the majority of that to you for being so cold sometimes and leaving me to be with my mind and nothing more- being that all of my family is still in PA. so that helped i guess-
eh im stopping here bc i am babbling and my eyes hurt because i am so tired and this just really stressed me out a lot- what the fuck.

so i have turned myself into a cold, selfish, unavailable bitch to some, while being the most caring, happy, positive, loving person that others can meet.... i guess i need to do some more self analyzation than i thought i did- --- and locking myself away for a day or 2 or more sounds fantastic to do just that :)


what i want. from myspace blog also

what i want Current mood: calm Category: Life

In a relationship....

The movie "bella" just started so I jotted some stuff down before I could finish but... Is it wrong for me to want to be romanced? Everything is so sexual nowadays, so ingenuine. I want to meet someone and feel that spark, take things slow. Kiss when the moment is perfect and feel it in my toes. Have that neverending excitement that I experienced before but stronger now because I have such a stronger sense of who I am now. I want someone to be by my side who desires being my best friend, and not just wanting to wake up to my pretty face every day. I want the kind of compliments about my personality before he ever mentions that he likes what he sees on the outside. I want to be attracted to him at the beginning and have his personality attract me so much more that I feel I have never laid my eyes on anyone more beautiful. It seems everyone is so caught up in cheap thrills... So impatient, cheap thrills are not good all around. They will empty your pockets,make you fat, put you in jail, they can even break your heart.... Patience is a virtue, they say, why don't people take these little sayings to heart more often? We all know they're true, but we don't listen... ill finish editing later

post from my myspace about master cleanse.

my experience with the master cleanse :)
well this is my 3rd try on the master cleanse but my second successful one.... i tried back after thanksgiving to get rid of my sinus infection but my heart wasnt in it so i only lasted 4 days- but my hearing came back for a few days. lol
For those of you that dont know what the master cleanse is, im not going to get into extreme detail bc its extensive but heres a website... that will somewhat explain whats going on.
most uniformed people will assume youre crazy if you tell them youre doing the cleanse... they say things like "i would die..." and "Ten days without food! that cant be good."
but to be honest with you, if youre strong enough mentally to go thru with it, and youre doing it for the right reasons, you will never feel better in youre life- never cleaner, clear minded, spiritual.... its an amazing experience that makes you realize why we as humans all eat food in the first place... to live... but from time to time we get into routines of eating disgusting overprocessed and unhealthy all together...
as my roomie said today (shes also done the cleanse 2x) "theres no perfect time to do the cleanse, theres always gonna be some party, some dinner... drinks etc" and thats so true. there is no perfect time. but what is ten days out of your life when you have lived somewhere in the area of 8,000 days already! so. last week i decided that after easter i am going to spring clean my life- starting with cleansing. clean from the inside out. focus on myself in the long run. not be so concerned for others, who dont care about things that i care about for themselves, so why am i caring so much? i am compromising myself in the long run... missing out on important me time. Me time is so important, afterall- the relationships we have with ourselves are and should be the most intimate relationship we have with anyone!
after the cleanse i am going to take up wheatgrass shots for the rest of my life and that will begin by buying a wheatgrass extractor.... yay.
today like i said is day 4 for me and the second time around is so easy. i have no severe temptations to quit or to even cheat. today my energy is a little lower than i would prefer... soooo ill prob take another nap and see whats going on when i wake up- went dancing last nite so i prob gotta drink some extra lemonade today so i can make it through work today til 4am....
day 2 for me was a severe headache all day.... but other than that- everythings going soooo smoothly!