Tuesday, October 11, 2011

my ex is a dick. how bout that for some comedy?

So today, i watch the Oprah's online web class thing- it was very good and healing, talking about holding anger and how it doesn't do anything for you. so i get to thinking about my anger and resentment that i have toward my ex and decide that i need to let it go, because it's not serving me and it is probably holding me back in a lot of other areas from my life...so i take the time to send him a message stating the following:

"i love you. I'm done trying to prove my worthiness for the same in return. Every day after this will be a challenge and what is meant to be will be, but ill leave you alone. ill handle my anger toward you and get to the bottom of it without trying to make you understand. we are all always doing our best. & me wishing that the present or the past is or was any different is only hurting me more. so i set you free of my pain. sorry, thank you for giving me the chance to feel so strongly for someone after so long"

let me just say, before i go on, that i should have spared myself the efforts of texting something so nice, just as i would have been blessed for him to just ignore me... or for me not to be so damned impulsive and always wearing my heart on my sleeve at that.

after sending a few texts with a friend- my thought process has changed-- so...
i was going to say how ridiculously this 2 hour text convo ended- but really- I'm allowing myself to take a turn in a slightly different direction.

I'm going to question this-

i know that holding on to the anger is bad, but is it wrong for me to want someone to hurt him emotionally (although i think hes dealing with a lot of hurt from his history that hes unable to cope with... so he takes it out on others) so he can realize the way hes treated people in his past and change... ( that will never benefit me, but i can still hope for that to happen to him) is it so wrong?

and onto myself- why do i continue to be so nice to people and want the best for "fixer upper" types, and then feel such betrayl and lack of appreciation when they unsurprisingly dont act the same in return toward me as i have them? i dont do things with the intentions of "getting" something in return, but do things to show your appreciation when someone is doing something for you and they are not required.


i think about my past, and things that i have gone through... I try to make the connections- and i feel like i had made a connection (my dad was in and out of my life for the first 18 years of it, and i know i felt like i had to prove that i was worthy of being loved, i was a cool kid...i def see similar "needs" in regards to this last ex in particular) but then i feel like it cant possssssibly be that simple? or can it?...

ok so say that is the answer.... now what? what do i do with that? i say to myself " you know j, you have the tendancy to want people to see how great you are in the similar way that you did with your father growing up" but now what? how do i make that go away? i know im great, honestly. im caring, loving, good listener, a good friend (although these past few months ive gone slightly AWOL for my own growth)i like to give and teach, im artistic, i have a great sense of humor, i can cook, i like all sorts of stuff, i tend to wake up happy every morning, i can keep going... haha, no but really... eh maybe i just will wait it out and eventually when the time is right, someone who is wonderful and as giving and caring and loving as me will come along, and i wont question myself about these sorts of things and wonder about nonsense? at the end of the day there are a great amount of people close to me who know me and understand me and see the bigger picture better than i even can... they tell me that the relationships that exhaust me just need to be cut out of my life and i can keep the people around whom i feel do equally for me as i would for them, not all physical either but emotional support-wise. i am blessed with a great network of close friends that would do such... thank you god for that. (i think im just going to wait a lot longer before being so nice to someone- i guess let them show me their nice-giving-caring type side first, then ill open up? avoid getting bulldozed over. lol)

that's that.

but to close this blog out - i cant help but ask- is it easier for some people to end terms of communication with someone on a "FUCK YOU" basis rather than by being adult about it and just having an understanding...? ive never had enemies, it doesnt feel good- but with this guy i feel like the only way that it's gonna be over is by him saying some fucked up shit to me (rather than something kind and peaceful) followed by a "PEACE" or "FUCK YOU" <-- that was the one i got a few months ago before i started getting poked and messaged on fb again. and the coward has the nerve to tell me tonite that hes over this text bs... that if i have something to say, to call him, yet he hasnt tried to call me himself. rather start poking me on fb and sending unnecessary messages.. lol lol. im honestly humored by some of this and thank you blogspot for drying my tears. i learned from oprah today that being vulnerable and just accepting your feelings (and crying) is very healthy so heres how i do it most of the time. ;)

lonely nights

just thinking...

i would never trade my lonely nights that in the past, i fulfilled either with girlfriends and acquaintances (out on the town) or a book/movie (home alone), for the emptiness of having strangers in my bed- or being in a strangers bed. i couldn't. ill fight the loneliness alone, or go out and avoid it for a night...

i feel another blog coming on and im warning that it might be a complete rant. sorry in advance.