Wednesday, November 10, 2010

where does the switch happen?

at what point in a relationship or friendship...(or pirate ship)... does someone get the power to make you (me) so upset? when do you make a choice to be so emotionally vulnerable with someone... and allow their actions to get to you? im still trying to figure this out.

Friday, October 8, 2010

something significant had happened on my walk back from my book session at the lagoon. Perhaps it was the breeze & the sun that had inspired it.... i realized that i will truly be missing where i live- the place i call home.
then it dawned on me that if i have 2 months and ten days to figure out exactly what the most sensible move would be for me next....maybe i just need to slow down a bit. it seems im on the move 24/7. just maybe, slowing down and appreciating all this beauty that surrounds me on this little island will bring me to a great decision. theres the pools, the lagoon, the "ghetto beach" across the street... what more could i ask for? the weather has cooled off a bit...

i have been allowing school, moving, where to move to, and money to stress me out. taking over my ability to truly be present in everything i do. theres always something floating in the back of my mind..... i just need to focus on being... and i believe that everything else will just fall into place.... the way the universe intends for things to be.

<3 j

i feel so full of love and happiness right now. its hard to explain. everything will be just fine.

Monday, July 19, 2010

priorities and options

If you had a choice to be the priority or the option...what would you choose. The priority of course. Nobody in their right mind would ever CHOOSE to go through the pain of being the option of their priority. never.

So then why do we put ourselves there? The feeling of no control, the hurt of waiting (to see or hear from that person again)- only to be let down time and time again..... its not what i would call good, amazing, positive, comforting or any other uplifting word I can come to think of off the top of my head. It is our own fault that we place ourselves in a position to be the option. The question in mind is "Why?". Why do we allow ourselves to come second best to anything in someones life- when we place them before anything in our own life? We allow into our lives this feeling of no control, and the hurt of being let down time and time again- when we are in fact in control of our positions in of the few possible answers i can come up with as to why we do this to ourselves is because we are afraid that if we take control, take the reigns, that person may no longer be part of our lives.... & that the person you were hoping them to be may actually have a chance to come into your life in the flesh (meaning- a person you may or may not already know that we arent seeing due to the focus on the priority to which we are an option) instead of as a fantasy that your priority will never become. Should we not want to get rid of this person and feeling over being afraid to lose them???? makes sense to me.

I saw a quote the other day saying "the control in a relationship is held by the person who cares the least." Im sick of being in a relationship with someone who cares less. I dont want to ever feel vulnerable to someone who isnt on the same exact page as me ever again. I want someone to want to be with me as much as i want to spend time with them. I want someone who cares for me as much as i care for them... im sick of feeling like i have to prove i am good, fun, easy-going, drama free, happy, positive and confident to someone who wants to believe that i am not all of those things in one degree or another. All of the 'youre worth it's the 'you deserve more's 'youre amazing's the 'youre such a good girl's dont matter when they arent coming from his mouth or they arent shown in his actions towards me- Its ridiculous...

if you know who you are, and someone doesnt see it then walk away... there is no use in trying to prove yourself to anyone. someone else will see you for you and love you as you are.... someone will want to spend time with you and grow with you. no games. no lies. no bullshit. no drama. Because youre worth it. I am worth it. theres someone for everyone and even the shittiest assholes in the world can find a shitty asshole companion. so i can have a man who wants to be in a good, happy, positive, loving, growing, caring, compassionate, grateful relationship. i dont have unrealistic wants or needs by any means. i know that i hold on to the idea i have that "you dont meet someone where you have that connection with them at the beginning like that... so when you find it, dont let go." but people change. problems come up. people handle them differently and you can outgrow one another.... i guess... i dont really believe that....honestly. i am talking bullshit myself now and trying to sound all positive and pump myself up. its not working. haha. i think people dont communicate and then they seem to "outgrow" each other but really they can be open and talk about their problems and understand one another and appreciate each others honesty and end up closer than they had been before....

whatever the reasons are.... wherever the problems came from.... whatever is lingering now... causing the distance.... i know that i am not happy with this situation and i am ready to be on the same page as someone ready to be a priority to my priority. have no doubts. not feel second best to anyone else in his life (outside of family. i want to be treated like family).. i wish i could be on the same page as Him... i dont know if there are lessons that he thinks he needs to teach me... maybe he really stopped caring and doesnt mind if he loses me??? if im being "trained" or something like that???? i just know that i need to find my backbone. suck up the fact that "it is what it is" and that im not liking that, and "do what i do".... leave my wishes and hopes in the bottomless wishing well i threw them in...make new wishes and when the time is right i will have what i want... without feeling like an option.

i deserve to be treated better than someone's "friend". After however long it is that you realize that someone means something to you, you begin to treat them better than you treat your friends. invite them to do things that you invite your friends to do....and more... Prove to that someone special that they are special to you- by listening to what they like or appreciate and keep it in your mind and do something to show you hear them and you just wanted them to know you were thinking of them and you wanted to put a smile on their face...