Tuesday, October 11, 2011

my ex is a dick. how bout that for some comedy?

So today, i watch the Oprah's online web class thing- it was very good and healing, talking about holding anger and how it doesn't do anything for you. so i get to thinking about my anger and resentment that i have toward my ex and decide that i need to let it go, because it's not serving me and it is probably holding me back in a lot of other areas from my life...so i take the time to send him a message stating the following:

"i love you. I'm done trying to prove my worthiness for the same in return. Every day after this will be a challenge and what is meant to be will be, but ill leave you alone. ill handle my anger toward you and get to the bottom of it without trying to make you understand. we are all always doing our best. & me wishing that the present or the past is or was any different is only hurting me more. so i set you free of my pain. sorry, thank you for giving me the chance to feel so strongly for someone after so long"

let me just say, before i go on, that i should have spared myself the efforts of texting something so nice, just as i would have been blessed for him to just ignore me... or for me not to be so damned impulsive and always wearing my heart on my sleeve at that.

after sending a few texts with a friend- my thought process has changed-- so...
i was going to say how ridiculously this 2 hour text convo ended- but really- I'm allowing myself to take a turn in a slightly different direction.

I'm going to question this-

i know that holding on to the anger is bad, but is it wrong for me to want someone to hurt him emotionally (although i think hes dealing with a lot of hurt from his history that hes unable to cope with... so he takes it out on others) so he can realize the way hes treated people in his past and change... ( that will never benefit me, but i can still hope for that to happen to him) is it so wrong?

and onto myself- why do i continue to be so nice to people and want the best for "fixer upper" types, and then feel such betrayl and lack of appreciation when they unsurprisingly dont act the same in return toward me as i have them? i dont do things with the intentions of "getting" something in return, but do things to show your appreciation when someone is doing something for you and they are not required.


i think about my past, and things that i have gone through... I try to make the connections- and i feel like i had made a connection (my dad was in and out of my life for the first 18 years of it, and i know i felt like i had to prove that i was worthy of being loved, i was a cool kid...i def see similar "needs" in regards to this last ex in particular) but then i feel like it cant possssssibly be that simple? or can it?...

ok so say that is the answer.... now what? what do i do with that? i say to myself " you know j, you have the tendancy to want people to see how great you are in the similar way that you did with your father growing up" but now what? how do i make that go away? i know im great, honestly. im caring, loving, good listener, a good friend (although these past few months ive gone slightly AWOL for my own growth)i like to give and teach, im artistic, i have a great sense of humor, i can cook, i like all sorts of stuff, i tend to wake up happy every morning, i can keep going... haha, no but really... eh maybe i just will wait it out and eventually when the time is right, someone who is wonderful and as giving and caring and loving as me will come along, and i wont question myself about these sorts of things and wonder about nonsense? at the end of the day there are a great amount of people close to me who know me and understand me and see the bigger picture better than i even can... they tell me that the relationships that exhaust me just need to be cut out of my life and i can keep the people around whom i feel do equally for me as i would for them, not all physical either but emotional support-wise. i am blessed with a great network of close friends that would do such... thank you god for that. (i think im just going to wait a lot longer before being so nice to someone- i guess let them show me their nice-giving-caring type side first, then ill open up? avoid getting bulldozed over. lol)

that's that.

but to close this blog out - i cant help but ask- is it easier for some people to end terms of communication with someone on a "FUCK YOU" basis rather than by being adult about it and just having an understanding...? ive never had enemies, it doesnt feel good- but with this guy i feel like the only way that it's gonna be over is by him saying some fucked up shit to me (rather than something kind and peaceful) followed by a "PEACE" or "FUCK YOU" <-- that was the one i got a few months ago before i started getting poked and messaged on fb again. and the coward has the nerve to tell me tonite that hes over this text bs... that if i have something to say, to call him, yet he hasnt tried to call me himself. rather start poking me on fb and sending unnecessary messages.. lol lol. im honestly humored by some of this and thank you blogspot for drying my tears. i learned from oprah today that being vulnerable and just accepting your feelings (and crying) is very healthy so heres how i do it most of the time. ;)

lonely nights

just thinking...

i would never trade my lonely nights that in the past, i fulfilled either with girlfriends and acquaintances (out on the town) or a book/movie (home alone), for the emptiness of having strangers in my bed- or being in a strangers bed. i couldn't. ill fight the loneliness alone, or go out and avoid it for a night...

i feel another blog coming on and im warning that it might be a complete rant. sorry in advance.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

More questions about love and life....

what I happen to be pondering from 430 am to 530 am on Monday June 6th into Tuesday June 7th....I'm tempted to call it Monday night but that's so wrong. Some people are waking up right now :) (excuse spelling errors involving "n" or "b" I hit them instead of the spacebar a lot, although I'm such a perfectionist, I c myself going back and fixing this if I c errors.... But now I'll leave them, just for laughs so never mind....) ( btw, a lot is two words...not one like "alot" just thought u should know, in case it's a habit)

This has been on my mind for a few weeks but I've finally established a clear thought process of the topic and figured out the way in which I would prefer to present it to all who wished to read it.....thank you. I think a lot of people question these things....

Is love supposed to be easy? All of the time? What is the probability that two people can go thru so much shit at a low point in either one or both of their lives, separate or stick together, grow, realize they want to wipe their slate and history clean, and try to start over with no animosity, regret, or grudges....? Is it a low chance? For love, I'd be willing to make that chance.

I sometimes wonder whether love, or money/success are more important....I feel like love, if right and healthy, can open you and lead you to success you could have never imagined if you didn't go down the path of love...and success and money may lead you to greed, never reaching satisfaction.....

Do you chase money, feel successful first, then acquire love, because success makes you whole? Or if you have love, deep passionate love, do you work through life together, acquire success together and move forward, on separate paths but as best friends and support for one another, almost like having an undying fan club? All the fame and money in the world can't fulfill you as much as having one person who knows you inside and out, truthfully, and is still your greatest fan and supporter, no matter what you do.

On that note, I think it takes a strong and confident person- to stand by someone and be able to accept all that they do and say, to trust that it is truly you they love, and they appreciate your support,---> (as it takes a strong and confident person) to be open and honest about what you do, have no fear of losing your loved one due to your actions *u must be confident in your mind that it is you they want* , tell them your intentions behind relations with anyone you know and interact with etc etc... And live life separately but together.... There is nothing more successful in life than that....and a man must support a woman the way that he was designed to as well as a woman must do the same for her man too....we are created differently so we can equal one another out in the areas that our partner is lacking, both physically and mentally, the former is much easier to discover of the "fit" is correct than the latter is... And it's sad to see that people are sometimes too impatient to figure out the mind along with the body....anyways....

So back to my question. 1.) Do you find success first, and then love, or 2.) if you have love at an unsuccessful, somewhat stressful time in your lives, do you work hard to keep that love, breeze confidently and honestly through your goals, and obtain a sort of success that the prior may never experience because they wasted life away trying to fill a space that they thought their success or money was meant to fill to feel whole in order to love someone properly...?

I am not saying that he or she who lives a life alone, never finding love- or never finding love again- lives a life unfulfilled or empty.... But we all need deep relationships somewhere....I understand you must be happy with yourself and "love" yourself before being able to love someone else.... Perhaps a relationship with God may be the route some take, or finding an addiction to something, be it food, work, exercise, socializing.... But I definitely think life is harder if you find love, lose that love, only to never find that deep love again.... And I believe that "loving"yourself simply (yes I said simply) means you have a strong knowledge of who you are and you believe that at this time in your life (every day u believe it) you are doing things to the best of your ability...

We all change. Some grow, some don't.

Sometimes we lose a love, grow, and find that the love lost was only a small percentage of the love we are capable of experiencing with/from someone new, once we reopen our hearts to the possibility of love again....

It may be all trial and error for some, but damn, the idea of never finding that love again is scary.... Why not take the safe route, find success (whatever your definition), vacation with loved ones when able, experience life with friends and family...and if love comes along, it comes along... Maybe not.... Maybe love/relationships wasn't meant for all?

That sounds cooky to even read again..... But I'm gonna leave it and let you all question what your beliefs on love, life, and success truly are,and hopefully some of you find a new profound truth within yourselves,or perhaps makes some second guess some things....or maybe it will make you realize and appreciate your current situation greatly....



Tuesday, March 29, 2011

question existing

Now about love…- How can 2 people have a strong love for one another… have so much passion in the past and present, still, and just … let it go? Let it go like they will stumble on a crack in a sidewalk and happen to fall across that same depth and passion with someone else- so easily. Foolish.


but at least, you do find that love again....


Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Loose Change

I am on my sofa (new favorite place to sleep) trying to get to sleep and I'm rhyming in my head while laying here and just decided that my thoughts- had to be turned into a poem.... I hope u all read it right with my dashes -- and periods... different sorts of pauses are meant but perhaps reading it twice will help make more sense of the flow...without having to witness me reading it to you personally. But this took me roughly 5 minutes to write.... so here it is:

The Pointless Pennies....

I'm pretty sure I'm one of many
That he struggles to juggle in a tug of war..
Why tho?
How many women can one man have love & passion for?
It defeats the purpose-
Life's worth this -
Sharing of hearts.....
Fear to be torn apart-
Passion & truth
Love like youth
The puppy love
That real love
That fearless love.....
Now we are binded to ourselves
Afraid to give anyone else-
The power to destroy what's ours.
The heart.
But the pain----
The pain is worth the experience
Love is the only lifelong dance
Sometimes we will- lose coordination --
Move on & dance with a new infactuation...
They say lust precedes love
But who's to say?
I feel that- without lust
There ain't no way,
Bc for me- lustful curiosoty
Leads me closer to love so much more easily,
Than a rendevous with you
Who bores me.
So you see...
Without the one who holds my attention
I forgot to admit without intention
That maybe I get this
So called struggle to juggle in a tug of war..
If I have many,
I know that none are right for me...
And they're simply filling space & time
&I'm bored, you see?
So what's right ?
What's wrong?
That's for you to decide
But be honest, hold true, and swallow your pride....
The only thing you wind up wasting..... is time..
Shining your pennies while someone else pockets your dime....

Not amazing but emptied some thoughts. Now ill sleep....I think?