Tuesday, October 11, 2011

my ex is a dick. how bout that for some comedy?

So today, i watch the Oprah's online web class thing- it was very good and healing, talking about holding anger and how it doesn't do anything for you. so i get to thinking about my anger and resentment that i have toward my ex and decide that i need to let it go, because it's not serving me and it is probably holding me back in a lot of other areas from my life...so i take the time to send him a message stating the following:

"i love you. I'm done trying to prove my worthiness for the same in return. Every day after this will be a challenge and what is meant to be will be, but ill leave you alone. ill handle my anger toward you and get to the bottom of it without trying to make you understand. we are all always doing our best. & me wishing that the present or the past is or was any different is only hurting me more. so i set you free of my pain. sorry, thank you for giving me the chance to feel so strongly for someone after so long"

let me just say, before i go on, that i should have spared myself the efforts of texting something so nice, just as i would have been blessed for him to just ignore me... or for me not to be so damned impulsive and always wearing my heart on my sleeve at that.

after sending a few texts with a friend- my thought process has changed-- so...
i was going to say how ridiculously this 2 hour text convo ended- but really- I'm allowing myself to take a turn in a slightly different direction.

I'm going to question this-

i know that holding on to the anger is bad, but is it wrong for me to want someone to hurt him emotionally (although i think hes dealing with a lot of hurt from his history that hes unable to cope with... so he takes it out on others) so he can realize the way hes treated people in his past and change... ( that will never benefit me, but i can still hope for that to happen to him) is it so wrong?

and onto myself- why do i continue to be so nice to people and want the best for "fixer upper" types, and then feel such betrayl and lack of appreciation when they unsurprisingly dont act the same in return toward me as i have them? i dont do things with the intentions of "getting" something in return, but do things to show your appreciation when someone is doing something for you and they are not required.


i think about my past, and things that i have gone through... I try to make the connections- and i feel like i had made a connection (my dad was in and out of my life for the first 18 years of it, and i know i felt like i had to prove that i was worthy of being loved, i was a cool kid...i def see similar "needs" in regards to this last ex in particular) but then i feel like it cant possssssibly be that simple? or can it?...

ok so say that is the answer.... now what? what do i do with that? i say to myself " you know j, you have the tendancy to want people to see how great you are in the similar way that you did with your father growing up" but now what? how do i make that go away? i know im great, honestly. im caring, loving, good listener, a good friend (although these past few months ive gone slightly AWOL for my own growth)i like to give and teach, im artistic, i have a great sense of humor, i can cook, i like all sorts of stuff, i tend to wake up happy every morning, i can keep going... haha, no but really... eh maybe i just will wait it out and eventually when the time is right, someone who is wonderful and as giving and caring and loving as me will come along, and i wont question myself about these sorts of things and wonder about nonsense? at the end of the day there are a great amount of people close to me who know me and understand me and see the bigger picture better than i even can... they tell me that the relationships that exhaust me just need to be cut out of my life and i can keep the people around whom i feel do equally for me as i would for them, not all physical either but emotional support-wise. i am blessed with a great network of close friends that would do such... thank you god for that. (i think im just going to wait a lot longer before being so nice to someone- i guess let them show me their nice-giving-caring type side first, then ill open up? avoid getting bulldozed over. lol)

that's that.

but to close this blog out - i cant help but ask- is it easier for some people to end terms of communication with someone on a "FUCK YOU" basis rather than by being adult about it and just having an understanding...? ive never had enemies, it doesnt feel good- but with this guy i feel like the only way that it's gonna be over is by him saying some fucked up shit to me (rather than something kind and peaceful) followed by a "PEACE" or "FUCK YOU" <-- that was the one i got a few months ago before i started getting poked and messaged on fb again. and the coward has the nerve to tell me tonite that hes over this text bs... that if i have something to say, to call him, yet he hasnt tried to call me himself. rather start poking me on fb and sending unnecessary messages.. lol lol. im honestly humored by some of this and thank you blogspot for drying my tears. i learned from oprah today that being vulnerable and just accepting your feelings (and crying) is very healthy so heres how i do it most of the time. ;)

lonely nights

just thinking...

i would never trade my lonely nights that in the past, i fulfilled either with girlfriends and acquaintances (out on the town) or a book/movie (home alone), for the emptiness of having strangers in my bed- or being in a strangers bed. i couldn't. ill fight the loneliness alone, or go out and avoid it for a night...

i feel another blog coming on and im warning that it might be a complete rant. sorry in advance.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

More questions about love and life....

what I happen to be pondering from 430 am to 530 am on Monday June 6th into Tuesday June 7th....I'm tempted to call it Monday night but that's so wrong. Some people are waking up right now :) (excuse spelling errors involving "n" or "b" I hit them instead of the spacebar a lot, although I'm such a perfectionist, I c myself going back and fixing this if I c errors.... But now I'll leave them, just for laughs so never mind....) ( btw, a lot is two words...not one like "alot" just thought u should know, in case it's a habit)

This has been on my mind for a few weeks but I've finally established a clear thought process of the topic and figured out the way in which I would prefer to present it to all who wished to read it.....thank you. I think a lot of people question these things....

Is love supposed to be easy? All of the time? What is the probability that two people can go thru so much shit at a low point in either one or both of their lives, separate or stick together, grow, realize they want to wipe their slate and history clean, and try to start over with no animosity, regret, or grudges....? Is it a low chance? For love, I'd be willing to make that chance.

I sometimes wonder whether love, or money/success are more important....I feel like love, if right and healthy, can open you and lead you to success you could have never imagined if you didn't go down the path of love...and success and money may lead you to greed, never reaching satisfaction.....

Do you chase money, feel successful first, then acquire love, because success makes you whole? Or if you have love, deep passionate love, do you work through life together, acquire success together and move forward, on separate paths but as best friends and support for one another, almost like having an undying fan club? All the fame and money in the world can't fulfill you as much as having one person who knows you inside and out, truthfully, and is still your greatest fan and supporter, no matter what you do.

On that note, I think it takes a strong and confident person- to stand by someone and be able to accept all that they do and say, to trust that it is truly you they love, and they appreciate your support,---> (as it takes a strong and confident person) to be open and honest about what you do, have no fear of losing your loved one due to your actions *u must be confident in your mind that it is you they want* , tell them your intentions behind relations with anyone you know and interact with etc etc... And live life separately but together.... There is nothing more successful in life than that....and a man must support a woman the way that he was designed to as well as a woman must do the same for her man too....we are created differently so we can equal one another out in the areas that our partner is lacking, both physically and mentally, the former is much easier to discover of the "fit" is correct than the latter is... And it's sad to see that people are sometimes too impatient to figure out the mind along with the body....anyways....

So back to my question. 1.) Do you find success first, and then love, or 2.) if you have love at an unsuccessful, somewhat stressful time in your lives, do you work hard to keep that love, breeze confidently and honestly through your goals, and obtain a sort of success that the prior may never experience because they wasted life away trying to fill a space that they thought their success or money was meant to fill to feel whole in order to love someone properly...?

I am not saying that he or she who lives a life alone, never finding love- or never finding love again- lives a life unfulfilled or empty.... But we all need deep relationships somewhere....I understand you must be happy with yourself and "love" yourself before being able to love someone else.... Perhaps a relationship with God may be the route some take, or finding an addiction to something, be it food, work, exercise, socializing.... But I definitely think life is harder if you find love, lose that love, only to never find that deep love again.... And I believe that "loving"yourself simply (yes I said simply) means you have a strong knowledge of who you are and you believe that at this time in your life (every day u believe it) you are doing things to the best of your ability...

We all change. Some grow, some don't.

Sometimes we lose a love, grow, and find that the love lost was only a small percentage of the love we are capable of experiencing with/from someone new, once we reopen our hearts to the possibility of love again....

It may be all trial and error for some, but damn, the idea of never finding that love again is scary.... Why not take the safe route, find success (whatever your definition), vacation with loved ones when able, experience life with friends and family...and if love comes along, it comes along... Maybe not.... Maybe love/relationships wasn't meant for all?

That sounds cooky to even read again..... But I'm gonna leave it and let you all question what your beliefs on love, life, and success truly are,and hopefully some of you find a new profound truth within yourselves,or perhaps makes some second guess some things....or maybe it will make you realize and appreciate your current situation greatly....



Tuesday, March 29, 2011

question existing

Now about love…- How can 2 people have a strong love for one another… have so much passion in the past and present, still, and just … let it go? Let it go like they will stumble on a crack in a sidewalk and happen to fall across that same depth and passion with someone else- so easily. Foolish.


but at least, you do find that love again....


Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Loose Change

I am on my sofa (new favorite place to sleep) trying to get to sleep and I'm rhyming in my head while laying here and just decided that my thoughts- had to be turned into a poem.... I hope u all read it right with my dashes -- and periods... different sorts of pauses are meant but perhaps reading it twice will help make more sense of the flow...without having to witness me reading it to you personally. But this took me roughly 5 minutes to write.... so here it is:

The Pointless Pennies....

I'm pretty sure I'm one of many
That he struggles to juggle in a tug of war..
Why tho?
How many women can one man have love & passion for?
It defeats the purpose-
Life's worth this -
Sharing of hearts.....
Fear to be torn apart-
Passion & truth
Love like youth
The puppy love
That real love
That fearless love.....
Now we are binded to ourselves
Afraid to give anyone else-
The power to destroy what's ours.
The heart.
But the pain----
The pain is worth the experience
Love is the only lifelong dance
Sometimes we will- lose coordination --
Move on & dance with a new infactuation...
They say lust precedes love
But who's to say?
I feel that- without lust
There ain't no way,
Bc for me- lustful curiosoty
Leads me closer to love so much more easily,
Than a rendevous with you
Who bores me.
So you see...
Without the one who holds my attention
I forgot to admit without intention
That maybe I get this
So called struggle to juggle in a tug of war..
If I have many,
I know that none are right for me...
And they're simply filling space & time
&I'm bored, you see?
So what's right ?
What's wrong?
That's for you to decide
But be honest, hold true, and swallow your pride....
The only thing you wind up wasting..... is time..
Shining your pennies while someone else pockets your dime....

Not amazing but emptied some thoughts. Now ill sleep....I think?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

where does the switch happen?

at what point in a relationship or friendship...(or pirate ship)... does someone get the power to make you (me) so upset? when do you make a choice to be so emotionally vulnerable with someone... and allow their actions to get to you? im still trying to figure this out.

Friday, October 8, 2010

something significant had happened on my walk back from my book session at the lagoon. Perhaps it was the breeze & the sun that had inspired it.... i realized that i will truly be missing where i live- the place i call home.
then it dawned on me that if i have 2 months and ten days to figure out exactly what the most sensible move would be for me next....maybe i just need to slow down a bit. it seems im on the move 24/7. just maybe, slowing down and appreciating all this beauty that surrounds me on this little island will bring me to a great decision. theres the pools, the lagoon, the "ghetto beach" across the street... what more could i ask for? the weather has cooled off a bit...

i have been allowing school, moving, where to move to, and money to stress me out. taking over my ability to truly be present in everything i do. theres always something floating in the back of my mind..... i just need to focus on being... and i believe that everything else will just fall into place.... the way the universe intends for things to be.

<3 j

i feel so full of love and happiness right now. its hard to explain. everything will be just fine.

Monday, July 19, 2010

priorities and options

If you had a choice to be the priority or the option...what would you choose. The priority of course. Nobody in their right mind would ever CHOOSE to go through the pain of being the option of their priority. never.

So then why do we put ourselves there? The feeling of no control, the hurt of waiting (to see or hear from that person again)- only to be let down time and time again..... its not what i would call good, amazing, positive, comforting or any other uplifting word I can come to think of off the top of my head. It is our own fault that we place ourselves in a position to be the option. The question in mind is "Why?". Why do we allow ourselves to come second best to anything in someones life- when we place them before anything in our own life? We allow into our lives this feeling of no control, and the hurt of being let down time and time again- when we are in fact in control of our positions in life...one of the few possible answers i can come up with as to why we do this to ourselves is because we are afraid that if we take control, take the reigns, that person may no longer be part of our lives.... & that the person you were hoping them to be may actually have a chance to come into your life in the flesh (meaning- a person you may or may not already know that we arent seeing due to the focus on the priority to which we are an option) instead of as a fantasy that your priority will never become. Should we not want to get rid of this person and feeling over being afraid to lose them???? makes sense to me.

I saw a quote the other day saying "the control in a relationship is held by the person who cares the least." Im sick of being in a relationship with someone who cares less. I dont want to ever feel vulnerable to someone who isnt on the same exact page as me ever again. I want someone to want to be with me as much as i want to spend time with them. I want someone who cares for me as much as i care for them... im sick of feeling like i have to prove i am good, fun, easy-going, drama free, happy, positive and confident to someone who wants to believe that i am not all of those things in one degree or another. All of the 'youre worth it's the 'you deserve more's 'youre amazing's the 'youre such a good girl's dont matter when they arent coming from his mouth or they arent shown in his actions towards me- Its ridiculous...

if you know who you are, and someone doesnt see it then walk away... there is no use in trying to prove yourself to anyone. someone else will see you for you and love you as you are.... someone will want to spend time with you and grow with you. no games. no lies. no bullshit. no drama. Because youre worth it. I am worth it. theres someone for everyone and even the shittiest assholes in the world can find a shitty asshole companion. so i can have a man who wants to be in a good, happy, positive, loving, growing, caring, compassionate, grateful relationship. i dont have unrealistic wants or needs by any means. i know that i hold on to the idea i have that "you dont meet someone where you have that connection with them at the beginning like that... so when you find it, dont let go." but people change. problems come up. people handle them differently and you can outgrow one another.... i guess... i dont really believe that....honestly. i am talking bullshit myself now and trying to sound all positive and pump myself up. its not working. haha. i think people dont communicate and then they seem to "outgrow" each other but really they can be open and talk about their problems and understand one another and appreciate each others honesty and end up closer than they had been before....

whatever the reasons are.... wherever the problems came from.... whatever is lingering now... causing the distance.... i know that i am not happy with this situation and i am ready to be on the same page as someone ready to be a priority to my priority. have no doubts. not feel second best to anyone else in his life (outside of family. i want to be treated like family).. i wish i could be on the same page as Him... i dont know if there are lessons that he thinks he needs to teach me... maybe he really stopped caring and doesnt mind if he loses me??? if im being "trained" or something like that???? i just know that i need to find my backbone. suck up the fact that "it is what it is" and that im not liking that, and "do what i do".... leave my wishes and hopes in the bottomless wishing well i threw them in...make new wishes and when the time is right i will have what i want... without feeling like an option.

i deserve to be treated better than someone's "friend". After however long it is that you realize that someone means something to you, you begin to treat them better than you treat your friends. invite them to do things that you invite your friends to do....and more... Prove to that someone special that they are special to you- by listening to what they like or appreciate and keep it in your mind and do something to show you hear them and you just wanted them to know you were thinking of them and you wanted to put a smile on their face...


Monday, August 3, 2009

you never know

here we go again.... no no here i go again. on my mental adventure, care to join? I cant guarantee any peanuts or pretzels but grab a cocktail if you would like and lets see where miss memorable j's thoughts lead us tonite.
As i have on my status on myspace "being free spirited..loving art->music,dance,art pieces,etc...loving nature, & everything life has 2 offer. 2no ull b ok no matter what. beautiful."
I think ill elaborate on that because for the past few days i have been thinking a lot *as usual.* I have been thinking about how i could not imagine being closed minded... not that im saying 'not ignorant to learning about new things' i am simply saying that i couldnt imagine not feeling like such a free mental spirit. theres no reason to be angry...
i am on a cruise through life- the sights are beautiful, and any positive human being who is up for the ride is free to join me. but i wanna see what your mindset is all about. i cannot have "relationships" with anyone who i feel i am always skimming the shit off of the top of the pool with. i need substance. depth. emotion. raw truth. pain. happiness. let me into that head of yours-
i often catch myself expressing to those who are close to me that its almost like we are walking this earth with horse blinders on every day... because as hard as it is to explain- the world in our own mind is the only thing we know of, and its so hard to get your mentality out of your head and understand what people see from their eyes.... literally or figuratively. I have a severe issue of wanting people to understand how beautiful i think the world is. how great things can be if you just- let go a little- talk about your feelings, fears, past - whatever it is that you feel molds- or has molded you into the person that you are today... the only true happiness you can ever experience on earth comes from interaction with other human beings because at the end of the day, all of the materialistic bullshit that we engulf ourselves in- the cars, clothes, bags, shoes, accessories, houses- they dont matter. they dont matter at all. how could they? if you dont have love and connections with others- then what do you truly have? nothing.... so for me- understanding someones world/mentality/vision- it is very crucial for me to have what i believe to be a significant type of relationship with anyone.... all the other shit that goes on and the things we talk about is so vague and empty.... im all about experiences that open your mind... and for me it takes simplicity. ill stop here with this because all i will keep trying to do is elaborate on what im saying and it may get redundant... and we dont want that. i think i got my point across... just getting out of our own minds and seeing what is really there thru experiences and talking and understanding.... gets us out of our own mind-created world....
ART. wow art. music. paintings. dance. drawings. jewelry. make up. sewing...
whatever it takes for someone to express their inner feelings without the use of words is so great.
i was talking about music one nite with someone special to me while listening to dave matthews band- i asked them if they played an instrument in a band what would it be? he said guitar. i never thought about an instrument in the way that im about to describe to you until this moment while listening to them- but the connection that someone can have with an instrument- the ability they have to move others just by striking the strings on their guitar in a specific sequence- the way that they can arise the emotions of their listeners.... by non verbally speaking... its just incredible. and they may not even create the same emotion in everyone- because what it is for the player and each listener will all vary because of prior experiences that each person has had in their lives that has created the world in their mind that they live in, which then created the way they perceive things, and no two minds think alike... it makes me want to play guitar... each emotion being spoken by a specific sound on your instrument- thats amazing. :) it sounds so nerdy but i dont look at instruments the same way anymore...
dance is a "wholenothertopic"- haha. shows like so you think you can dance just get me way to emotional- im so happy for the people that make it to the show and i hope that the talented people that didnt make it never give up- that they keep pushing for their dreams whether they are dance related or not...on another note, i love to dance with someone who can "feel" the music on the same emotional level as myself- even if the music were in japanese and neither of us could understand a damn word but we were feeling it the same way- thats a beautiful chemistry you can have with someone for the kind of non verbal mind-opening experience i spoke of up there ^
drawings and paintings speak for themselves- i cannot return to a drawing i have started if i dont finish it in the time frame i gave myself. i have tried several times to return to drawings and finish them but you can always see where i restarted because the lines never look fluid enough to fit with the rest of the work ive previously done. ironically jewelry also. i cant go back to a bracelette i have started and try to finish it. it is almost like i dont understand why i was making it the way that i had began- that emotion was old- and out of the window it went, never to be seen again... even make up- i can never seem to recreate the same exact look twice- theres always something different- unless i look at a photo i had and truly treat my face as a canvas and not my face- i dont know if that makes sense.... if not- oh well- i know what i mean. lol
nature- ever since i read "the tao of health, sex and longevity" and "a new earth" i have a completely different appreciation for certain things in nature- especially trees- i dont know- try this: next time you are outside- look at an older tree nearby- the way it has grown- completely adapted to its environment- the branches seem to know exactly where they need to be so that each one of its leaves can get ample sunlight... the moon amazes me too- more or less because of the distance from the earth to the moon- the fact that we can see it- and the shadow that the earth casts onto the moon from the suns light just seems so cool too- haha i sound so nerdy right now but its the truth... everything that surrounds us has its beauty- its "specialness" if you may.
so at the end of the day what im trying to get at here is that there is no way that anyone could be surrounded by the raw truths of the world and not feel complete freedom and happiness no matter what their situation. someone has always got it worse than you- and they may even be happier than you are.... they have what they need to survive, and for them, thats enough...
there has actually been studies done, also, that suggest that humans who have more connection/deep interaction with others live longer and suffer far less heart attacks-even with terrible diets- than those who do not have good relations and eat healthy... life is so beautiful and this world is full of so many of us who need to tell our stories, feelings, pain to someone... who will you choose today? theres no reason that you should ever go a day without expressing to someone that they are missed, or that you love someone... you may never see them again- and yes that idea gets played out but its the damn truth, you know- what is holding you back from telling anyone how you feel about them? especially if its positive- you might make their day, or open the door for them to be convinced that they need to tell someone they care for how they feel and you just began a whole domino effect of positivity, and how the hell could that ever be a bad thing? its impossible! thats what we all need more of nowadays (love)- the way things seem to be going economically and i hate to even bring that up bc the media just blows everything up so that us americans are frantic, miserable, medicated, and numb to what it all comes down to at the end of the day- theres so much more to life than money. maybe all u need is that call from a loved one to soothe your stressed out soul and remind you that- "it aint so bad afterall and everythings gonna be alright"
so if youre feeling this way, pick up your phone and call someone to tell them you care, or you miss them. play some bob marley while you do this, whatever your musical preferance. grab some instruments and have a one man jam session. dance your ass off. sing your heart out. smile. laugh. go outside and breathe in as deeply as you can. remind yourself that youre alive! keep your tv off for a day- do things that remind you that you are not a robot and thinking about things isnt so bad afterall! life is good.
*note* i never have a clue where im going to go when i start writing and im always pleased- as i didnt fail myself tonite... good nite world- you are all beautiful :)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

In a world of role-playing personalities,those few ppl who don't project a mind-made image, but function from the deeper core of their being, those who do not attempt to appear more than they are but are simply themselves, stand out as remarkable and are the only ones who truly make a difference in this world. They are the bringers of the new consciousness. Whatever they do becomes empowered because it is in alignment w the purpose of the whole. Their influence, however, goes far beyond what they do, far beyond their function. Their mere presence-simple, natural, unassuming- has a transformational effect on whoever they come into contact with.