November 11, 2008 - Tuesday
Current mood: bummed
i just went thru all my comments from the beginning of myspace and it brought back so much emotion about my life and im feeling so intense right now in my mind and my chest i cant quite explain my feelings of just wanting to do everything from run a few miles to locking myself in my room for the next few days...... i feel like.... i dont know how else to say it besides- a blob. lol i dont wanna get too into it because its too deep and im not in the mood to try and dig- dont wanna get upset- i wanna delete everything. the memories... start fresh- dont know if im ashamed of what i have / havent done in the past 2 years (being that my anniversary of tampa arrival is quickly approaching at the day before thanksgiving) but really what have i been doing? a lot of self growth- i have been foolish- let some get the best of me and my heart- but when i look back i feel like i have floated thru the past two years- wow. i have a lot of thinking to do- do i feel grounded at this moment? no- i dont- i always feel so so sure of myself any other day but going thru my past like that- wow just thru all that out the window-
i can look at pictures and smile or laugh and remember how fun things were, but to read someones comments that refer to what i have been up to over the past few years- i just feel, argggggggggg. i guess like an idiot- i have filtered some good ppl out of my life and i think i was foolish in doing so but the past cant always be undone so thats that.... i got caught up in some of the wrong ppl- and let time lag on some dumb subjects----> empty love- not that i was in love- but the hope for it happening somewhere down here- only to be feeling empty and loveless in the end and having to build up from that time lost and self worth lost in the mean time----- hence my soul searching for the past year- so i thank you for that sir. i know a lot more about myself and happiness than i ever have and i think i owe the majority of that to you for being so cold sometimes and leaving me to be with my mind and nothing more- being that all of my family is still in PA. so that helped i guess-
eh im stopping here bc i am babbling and my eyes hurt because i am so tired and this just really stressed me out a lot- what the fuck.
so i have turned myself into a cold, selfish, unavailable bitch to some, while being the most caring, happy, positive, loving person that others can meet.... i guess i need to do some more self analyzation than i thought i did- --- and locking myself away for a day or 2 or more sounds fantastic to do just that :)